Online dating and relationships dos and don’ts.
By Sarah Kyle, Ph.D., LCSW | Sarah Kyle is a Relationship Therapist and Founder of dating app, Get Dateable
You’re sitting at Mozart’s across from a date who seemed perfect on paper – great job, witty banter and a smile that lit up their profile. But now, mid-date, they haven’t asked you one question about yourself. Instead, they keep checking their phone, and you’re wondering how you got here. This is a common scenario for those who are in the dating world. Women are burned out on dating and it’s taking a toll on their mental health. One client spent months swiping, chatting and going on multiple dates only to find herself feeling burned out, questioning her own worth and stuck in what she called a “swipe spiral.” Sound familiar? In today’s world of online dating, protecting your mental health is just as important as finding the right match. This list of dos and don’ts can help keep you grounded on your dating journey.
Do: Keep authenticity at the forefront of everything you do. Put your best foot forward, but make sure that foot is actually yours. Have your friends help you select the best photos of you for your profile. Choose your favorite outfit for a first date. Talk about current interests,activities and hobbies. Ask your date about things you’re genuinely interested in rather than perfunctory questions you feel like you should ask. Being your most authentic self will help you determine goodness of fit rather than just trying to snag a date. Staying in alignment with your truth and your values is a big part of keeping yourself sane and grounded in the dating process.
Don’t: Try to be someone you’re not in order to impress your date (or potential dates). Don’t lie about your age, height or interests. Don’t use outdated, filtered or overly-flattering pics of yourself in your profile. Don’t pretend to like someone if you don’t, and don’t act overly cool if you’re actually interested. Inauthenticity causes unnecessary stress because you’re working too hard to keep up a facade.
Do: Stay mindful of your safety. Do a brief Google search of your potential date to verify they’re a real person and to look for glaring red flags such as domestic violence convictions. Meet the person in a public place. Let friends or family know where you’re going and whom you’re meeting.
Don’t: Go full-on FBI agent by trying to do a deep dive on the person’s background or social media accounts. This can make you feel obsessive and stalker-ish, and it won’t actually make you feel safer about meeting them in person. Don’t share personal details such as your workplace, home address or information about your children before really getting to know the person.
Do: Be honest and direct. It’s okay to end a date early if you’re uncomfortable or if you know there’s not a connection. Try using the sh*t sandwich approach: Say something kind such as, “You’re a really (smart, funny, interesting, kind, etc.) person;” followed by the difficult information, “This doesn’t feel like a romantic fit for me;” followed by another kind statement, like, “I know you’re going to make a great partner for someone and I wish you all the best.”
Don’t: Ghost someone. Disappearing without offering an explanation is unkind behavior that leaves you feeling bad about yourself. If you can offer constructive feedback that can help the other person improve their chances with future dates, you’re doing a service as well as helping yourself feel better by getting proper resolution.
Do: Keep an open mind and give people a chance, even if they don’t check all your boxes (especially ones that might be superficial, such as height or income). Pay attention to your gut and make sure you are offering all the things you’re expecting your partner to offer.
Don’t: Settle for someone who behaves badly or treats you poorly simply because you are tired of being single. At the end of the day it’s much better for your mental health to be single than to be partnered with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.
Do: Look for the positives that allow you to meet new people and enjoy the dating experience. Relax and have fun with the process. Take a break from the apps when you start feeling overwhelmed or overly discouraged.
Don’t: Allow the stress of dating to make you cynical or give up hope. Don’t take yourself or online dating too seriously.
Dating doesn’t have to leave you feeling drained or disheartened. Set good boundaries, have compassion for others and put your mental health first so you can enjoy the process. As someone who’s spent 25 years helping folks have better relationships I can promise you this: the right person will value you for who you are, not for how perfectly you play the game.