Professional and practical advice to preserve your mental health while going through infertility challenges.
By Brittney Roberts, LCSW
You follow the fertility treatment protocol and recommendations perfectly, make lifestyle changes, sacrifice your time, body and comfort. You become an infertility expert and learn a new language known as “fertility speak.” There are triggers all around. Pregnant bellies, diaper commercials, babies and families with children. Were there always this many? It seems like everyone is getting pregnant effortlessly. You get another negative result from your fertility team, and you restart the grieving process. The grief is complicated and layered. You grieve the loss of a grade A embryo, a pregnancy, hopes and dreams. You also grieve because loss now feels routine, and you are wasting time.
These are common thoughts and feelings that make it challenging for women experiencing infertility. And it often impacts self-care. If you have or are currently navigating infertility struggles, know that you are not alone. All of your feelings and fears are valid, and it is possible to take care of yourself through this journey.
Building awareness of feelings is the first step – and arguably most important – towards taking care of your mental health. All emotional responses are acceptable; no feeling is wrong or right, good or bad. Feelings are not problems to be solved. All emotions have a body alarm, a physical sign: things like muscle tension, racing heart, fidgeting and countless others. Practice noticing these signs, and pause to remind yourself that these signs point to a feeling. Attempt to identify and name the emotions. Then, let them be. Validate the feeling: it makes sense to feel that way, the feeling has value and meaning. It is heavy and does not have to be buried.
To dive a bit deeper, seek care from a mental health professional to learn more about the fears or wounds that you carry. Fears are thoughts, internalized records, and belief systems that trigger a protective response. We develop unique sets of fears based on our life experiences.
For example, most adults seem to struggle with a fear of being helpless or powerless, i.e., out of control. By the time we reach adulthood we have learned to study and make the grade and work hard to get the promotion. We know who we are and how to reach our goals. However, when it comes to trying to conceive, fertility treatment and pregnancy, the truth is, no matter how diligent, informed or hard-working, you are powerless in determining the outcome – and that is painful. When you focus on controlling the outcome, it leaves you mentally and emotionally drained. This can manifest as depression, anxiety, or something else. A more effective way to care for your mental health is to care for the fears that are driving your thoughts, feelings and reactions. You cannot erase painful wounds, but with guidance from a professional and with practice, you can learn to care for them differently.
In addition to seeking therapy, practical tips for preserving your mental health include exercise, mantras or affirmations and deep breathing or meditation (try an app like Calm or Headspace). Make time for hobbies, friends and travel. Take breaks from fertility treatment. Prioritize sleep and rest. Eliminate other stressors if possible, and say no to taking on more at work or in other roles. Visit resolve.org, The National Infertility Association, to find support groups, professionals and other advice.
One client was comforted and inspired by reading nonfiction books about people who had survived, persevered and endured through life threatening situations. She felt this helped to put her struggles into perspective. She also shared that she learned that all emotions are temporary, including deep suffering, and that it is ok to feel hopeless at times and also know that the pain will not last forever.
Another client coped during IVF by remaining present and reframing negative thoughts to more positive, hopeful thoughts. She reminded herself that other people’s pregnancies did not take away her ability to have her own baby and affirmed that she could trust her body, the timing, and the outcome.
Finally, another client found that writing was the most helpful tool. She wrote every morning, about everything from her pain, worries, and frustrations to the joy and gratitude she experienced. For thoughts that felt too heavy to hold onto, she would write them on a piece of paper and put them in a designated box, which helped her feel lighter.
There is no one prescribed way to get through an infertility journey. There are, however, an abundance of coping tools and resources for support. Again, remember that you are not alone.
