How grief can change our brains and lives.
By Jocelyn Chamra Barrera, LCSW
Jocelyn Chamra Bareera is the Executive and Clinical Director of the Christi Center. The Christ Center offers hope after the death of a loved one. They provide free ongoing peer support in Central Texas.
In the Marvel Comics miniseries, WandaVision, Vision says, “What is grief, if not love persevering?” As a grief therapist, this quote resonates deeply. Many people think of grief as just sadness or depression, but in reality, grief is a complex, shifting experience that isn’t confined to specific stages. What often remains is the feeling of connection to the person lost – the love that continues.
When we lose someone, our brain literally rewires. In her 2022 book, Mary-Frances O’Connor explains that the loss feels like losing a part of ourselves since we’ve encoded that person’s presence into our neurons (The Grieving Brain, 2022). After a loss, the brain processes grief and adjusts to life changes. We ask questions like, “How am I feeling?” or “Will I always feel this way?” while also grappling with practical concerns like, “Who will grow old with me?” and “What does this mean for my future?” This dual-processing model, developed by psychologist Margaret Stroebe and psychology professor Henk Schut, shows that after loss, our minds shift between emotional processing and practical adjustments. While the intensity of grief may lessen over time, the absence of our loved one remains with us.
So, how do we navigate this?
Focus on basic needs
Grief can overwhelm the brain, making it hard for us to care for our bodies. Eating, sleeping and staying hydrated can slip through the cracks. It’s crucial to remember that adjusting to loss takes time. If you can’t manage much, that’s okay. Even small accomplishments, like brushing your teeth or getting out of bed, are victories. Celebrate those moments as you adjust to this new reality.
The importance of community
A supportive community is essential for processing grief healthily. It helps us navigate emotions, adjust to the changes grief brings and stay connected to the one we've lost. A support system also enables us to balance emotional and practical tasks, as described in the dual-processing model.
Without community, grief can deepen feelings of isolation, making it harder to care for ourselves or connect with others. It can lead us to feel undeserving of basic needs like food, water or sleep. It’s important to reach out and be specific about what you need. If someone offers help, having a list ready – like asking for someone to check on you at dinner or take out the trash – gives them clear ways to support you.
Balancing emotions and practical needs
When we fail to care for ourselves or connect with others, we can get stuck on one phase of the grief process. Some may focus only on emotions, unable to deal with practical adjustments, e.g., “Who will help with the kids?” Others may fixate on the practical, neglecting emotions, e.g., “I just need to keep moving forward.” This imbalance can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as excessive work or turning to drugs or alcohol.
Seeking support
When the grief feels overwhelming, seeking help is crucial. Whether through friends, faith communities, support groups or therapy, connecting with others can provide the strength needed to navigate grief. If you don’t know where to start, reach out to a trusted friend or local grief center for support.
Loss profoundly impacts our brains, but with support, we can navigate the grieving process and carry the love of those we've lost. While we may never fully "get over" grief, seeking help helps us adjust and move forward with resilience, holding on to the love that remains.
